As many of you know my husband, Tony, has been fighting lyme disease for at least 7 years. Many of you have no idea how that has impacted our lives because it is a disease that is very different for everyone who is infected.
He apparently got infected around same time that I met him. So I got to see just a little piece of who he was, sweet, loving, crazy, goofy man, until the lyme took hold. From that day forward our dream, our future, our lives, was forever changed.
Through years of antibiotics and 2 picc lines, we where not doing good. A lot of fighting and hurt. Tony kept trying to drink on and off, trying anything he could just to feel normal. I had no idea how to help him and deal with my past problems and my son at the same time. We both where done and wanted to break up. We just couldnt do it anymore. We didnt know how to fix us. It wasnt what neither of us signed up for. Thats when I found out I was pregnant with Autumn.
Thats when everything started to slowly change. It was rough at first. The initial shock of finding out. We had to start thinking about what we where going to do. Tony was still pretty messed up but we both wanted this baby and wanted to be a family for her. We slowly started to grow closer but things where different then before. The love was different, not as strong. He finally found a drug that helped him feel more normal. Not 100% but better then what he was feeling like. He actually didnt mind going shopping or doing things.
When Autumn was born, she was a light in our lives. Both of us didnt was to fail her. We had to put us aside and put her first. Over the years now we have had problems and issues. But one thing remains the same. We love our babydoll. Nothing else keeps us going like she does. We also love each other. So much that we are now husband and wife. A real family for our children. But life is never how you dream or hope it will be.
Our life isnt normal. Always doctor visits weekly. Some health problems with me now. But we are here fighting. We are fighting for him recover. To make his life better. We dont know if he will ever get there. Some days are horrible and he feels so bad he feels like he is dying. Some days its not too bad. Our future is not certain. I'm in constant mourning for the life we will never have. The constant pain and hurt is very real. It never goes away.
All I can do is pray. Pray that God has a purpose for this pain. Pray that He is always with us every step of the way. Pray that one day I get back the man I fell in love with. I dont know if God will ever answer me or revel why. That is also very painful. I cry everyday and cant help to wonder how many years we have together. What does our future look like. I just keep swallowing that pain and hurt down and make the most of what we have. I will never give up on him. Because love is selfless and I love him more then life itself. He isnt the same man I fell in love with but I still fall farther everyday.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. 6 Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
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